Postcard From the Maldives

11 December 2020

by Millicent and Nigel

Since winning the ‘Save the NHS’ scratch card lottery last year Nigel and I made a firm decision to adhere to the principles of Health & Safety that have underpinned our life to date.

Our journey to the Maldives began with sufficient Covid safe measures in place. Heathrow was a Covid friendly delight with strict social distancing and mask wearing enforced. We were comforted by our airline mandating full face visors over our masks, alongside gloves for all passengers. Prior to boarding all passengers temperature was taken causing me a great deal of anxiety being in the midst of menopause. Mercifully I passed and was relieved to see all stewards sensibly dressed in outfits suitable for a modern operating theatre.

However I did nearly withdraw my carbon offset payment when I noticed a fellow passenger removing his visor mid flight. He may have been inside his own cubicle in business class, but Nigel and I felt it reckless in the midst of a global pandemic.

Imagine however our horror on arrival at our resort when the hoteliers suggested we had no need for footwear… do they not understand that the killer virus can spread from surfaces? Why should our feet be exempt? Not to mention the verruca risk. No thank you. Nigel and I have kept our sandals on with the extra precaution of socks at all time.

The buffet dinner was quite terrifying. Guests from Lord knows which COVID hotspot learning over our shoulders to examine the “Asian Street food” had Nigel and I jumping around like pinballs in a bid to maintain our social distance. This evening we have agreed to both wear the bespoke t-shirts I had made before departure. On the front in simple bold text: PLEASE KEEP 2M DISTANCE. And on the back: SOCIAL DISTANCING SAVES LIVES.

Off to bed early we had decided to enjoy a star gazing sleep on the roof of our villa….Whilst the majesty of the milky way drifted above and contemplating how vulnerable the human race was to the KILLER VIRUS, we distinctly heard a sneeze from the Asian guests in the neighbouring villa. That was it. We both rushed downstairs and slept indoors with the windows closed and the air conditioning off.

Today’s deep sea fishing trip was a smorgasbord of terror. I’m not sure what shocked us more: direct hand to hand contact when boarding the boat or the complete lack of any safety instructions once aboard, let alone hand sanitiser. The final straw: life jackets were voluntary!!!! Nigel and I had long suspected the resort was run by dangerous COVIDIOTS and conspired to test our theory once and for all. ‘You ask them Millicent’ Nigel begged… he never was one for confrontation.

“Would you like to remove your masks whilst we are a sea?” I said to the crew. Imagine my horror when all three smilingly removed their face coverings. I spent the remainder of the trip at the bow of the boat quite terrified, singing “near, far wherever you are” to calm myself.

At one point Nigel was fishing on the diving deck (no harness, no life jacket) when the captain started to move the ship forwards. We were going at least 5 knots and I started to get flashbacks of when Nigel junior ignored our instructions and went to the Cheltenham Festival in March. We made him isolate for a month, which was most inconvenient, as he had the Honda Jazz (Hybrid) with him.

We will of course be formally complaining to the management via anonymous complaints on trip advisor, trust pilot, Facebook and Instagram. But in the meantime look forward to a swift return to Croydon.

Hands, Face, Space.

Millicent and Nigel
PS save the NHS!